Before I share a little part of my story, I just wanted to mention that sharing this part of my life has been very difficult for me. I knew I wanted to share this part of my story to show my heart to others when I began a blog...but it has taken me a while to build the courage to write about it. Whether it is writing about something I wouldn't normally say to others, or just to be overly vulnerable with the public, (which is beyond scary for any girl) I felt like this was a great challenge for me to accept. I decided it is time to open up my life, and most importantly share my heart to others. I do not expect to have a pity party for what I am about share with you...I only want you to know where I am coming from...and where I stand in this little crazy thing called life.
I am twenty-two years old, and I have remained standing alone for all those years. No, I'm not trying to break the world record for the longest person to remain single...even though I just might... This definitely isn't one of the proudest moments I want displayed on my refrigerator at home, or to announce to my friends on my Facebook wall. In fact, I am beyond embarrassed about it. Never in million years did I think that I would continue to remain single for such long time. Honestly I thought I'd be in a long term relationship about to settle down by the age of twenty-two. Isn't that the stereotype for anyone in their twenties? You go to college, you find your soul mate, and BOOM you're married and have your life is figured out by the age of twenty-two. Of course I haven't been following that path to well.
Of course some of my friends know this embarrassing fact about myself. Quite frankly I hate mentioning it to others because everyone throws in the phrase, "Your time will come", "It's a good thing to be single"...Man, if I had a penny for every time someone told me that I'd be rich. It's not that I don't believe them; it's the fact that I have a hard time accepting it because of the truth of me still standing alone.
As much as people say it is better to stay single, everyone is fighting to be in a relationship. Lets face it; everyone wants someone to love them... I'm not any different. This topic has been on my heart for quite a while now. Sometimes the topic of singleness leaves me in tears...and those who know me know that I'm not the type to cry easily. I think it bugs me so much, because it's something I have no control over. Or maybe it's the fact that I honestly don't comprehend why I am standing alone. Who really knows the true reason, overall it leaves me feeling frustrated and doubting who I am.
How are you okay with standing alone?
Being single is something I'm not "okay" with. I do not wake up in the morning saying, "Wow I love being the third wheel", or "Man, I love having no one to go on cute dates with". It has probably been the biggest challenge that I cannot seem to overcome.
I pray to God about it all the time. (The poor guy is probably sick of hearing my cries about this topic). To be completely honest, sometimes I even find myself frustrated with God. It does not make sense to me of why God would feel I needed to wait this long to experience love. Or why God would put me in the situation to feel so low about myself because I haven't felt wanted by a man. I have been patiently waiting my entire life for the one thing people long for…love.
How does it make you feel?
I know a relationship doesn't define who you are, nor should it. But being single for this long has made my mind and my heart think there is something wrong with me. Something so wrong that a guy will not express interest in me, or find me attractive. It's very hard to feel okay, and accept where I stand in this big world. It makes me feel that I'm not where I am supposed to be in life. To be twenty-two and have your friends around you get engaged, married, and beginning families of their own, is beyond difficult to accept that it is not where my life is at. Don't get me wrong, of course I am happy for my friends in relationships, one day I hope to experience the love they share for their significant other, but this long wait has does some damage to my heart and my mind.
Being alone makes me anxious for the future... It worries me that I may be single my entire life... I came to the conclusion that sure I can still be content with being single...life goes on with or without a man by my side. However, I would honestly hate not being able to love someone and share my life with.
However, to others I portray that I have my life figured out, and I do not express a sense of loneliness. For the most part I am really talented at seeming tough as a rock, not expressing any "negative" emotions. I refuse to express my hurt, sadness, and doubt to others when it involves love. Occasionally I will be sarcastic with my friends about relationships and how I think they are silly, but deep down I truly desire for someone to love me, or even find me captivating.
I did not choose the single life...the single life chose me...(This girl has jokes)
Sometimes I even feel like I am completely approaching men in the wrong way…or not at all. As I mentioned in my Hidden Heart post, I am terrified of men when it involves relationships. I know I don’t put myself out there because I am scared of the failure and rejection that can happen. But I also give up because I do not feel worthy enough for a man to love me. I feel there will always be a girl out there that is better than me, which the man will end up loving more. I look at other women and compare myself to them...Never being skinny enough, funny enough, or attractive enough...It’s beyond hard for me to be confident that a guy might potentially like me when I know I'm not the best thing out there.
“Am I lovely? And to be rejected is to hear a resounding, No. A woman doesn’t want to offer her beauty unless she is guaranteed that it will be received. But life offers no such guarantees. We, too, must take risks.” –John & Stasi Eldredge
Overall I feel lost, unworthy, and forgotten about... I know this sounds quite dramatic but I am dealing with a confused heart.
Where do I stand?
I remain standing alone. It's hard to accept the only person I see standing next to me is my own shadow. There are tough days where I am completely miserable playing this solo life. Days where I feel a sense of bitterness to others who have their love life figured out. But then I have to remember my faith in God.
Like most single women, I spend so much time and energy worrying about finding the one. It's beyond silly to think of how much time I spend daily on this thought. Especially because I go to a Christian College, where every girl out there is working on getting their “Mrs.” Title. Honestly, I am more focused on getting my education degree, but having this be the main focus for most girls on my campus is hard to avoid the thought about it.
We as people, try so hard finding fulfillment of this love in other people, which most the time, it never works out. Why do we waste the treasure of love on someone who is not willing to love you. We should focus on developing a relationship with God. We should give God our love, for He will always love us, even on the darkest of days.
Don't get me wrong; I still want to be in love with someone. Even though I know God loves me, I still struggle with a sense of loneliness. I want someone in my life that I can share my passion for Jesus with, a joke or two, and a friendship where we build one another up...but that is not happening right now in my life. Therefore, I must work on my relationship with God.
I know that I would rather wait for the perfect man then just settle. Realistically I’ve waited twenty-two years, what’s another ten years? (But really God, please don’t make me wait that long). I know God has crazy, unimaginable plans for the rest of my life. It’s hard though… I want my life to look like most, falling in love with my best friend, living life together, and worshiping the man above. Even through this really difficult time of trying to remain patient, I have to remind myself that God isn’t finished with my story, and eventually my love chapter will arrive… and if it doesn’t, I’m sure God has bigger and better ways to use me in this world.
I know I am never truly standing alone… I know that I will forever have God next to me. As for now, I stand here looking for guidance from God.
He will quiet you with his love – Zeph. 3:17
“A woman of true beauty is a woman who in the depths of her soul is at rest, trusting God because she has come to know him to be worth of her trust.”
For all those single ladies out there...
Know that you are valuable, and loved by a powerful man. I know the wait is sometimes is unbearable, but God isn't done with your story. Use this time to work on yourself, and building a strong relationship with God. This time is given to you for a reason, so use it wisely.
xoxo
Natalie
