So your a teacher now what…..
In a matter of weeks my life has changed in so many ways. A few weeks ago I was worried I wasn't going to find a teaching position in general education…and boom…everything just fell into place, and here I am as a first grade teacher. I was only given a couple of weeks to set up my classroom, and lesson plan. I felt like a chicken running with my head cut off… I still feel that way.
I have worked countless hours getting to this point of my life, and it is finally here. I haven't even had the time to even let it soak in. Somedays I find myself driving to school, thinking I am just going there to be intern, or a student teacher…but the reality is these are my students, and I am their TEACHER! {Crazy!}
During this whole process (and it is still a process), I have been moody, a fountain of tears, and stressball who can't seem to get anything accomplished. I so badly want to succeed and not let anyone down... or myself down, that it has taken a toll on my mood. I am so worried in failing at this whole teaching thing. Almost everyday I leave with the biggest headache, due to the amount of thoughts that run through my head. I tell everyone I come in contact with that I am fine…but in reality, I am roller coaster of emotions!
Not to sound cocky, but I have been given many compliments from different schools, districts, teachers, and parents that I have been a great teacher…but why is it now that I have my own classroom, I feel like a complete failure? I look at the little 25 faces that stare at me…or look away… and I wonder if they are even hearing anything I'm saying, or if they even like me.
I think the biggest thing they can't teach you in college and within student teaching, is the feeling you get as a first year teacher. (Mind you, I am crazy for taking on a mid-year position, so it is WAY different). You will reach the highest point of being overwhelmed you could ever imagine. Just think of everything you have to learn… where is the bathroom is, what do I do if there is fire drill, who do I call if…, all the school's policies, district's policies, how do I get their test scores, etc… Then you add 25 kiddos on top of that….their parents….their stories. It's A LOT!!!
I am beginning to realize that your first year of teaching is a year full of doubt. I know I am following my maps to hit the standards, but am I being effective to the students? I am just a newbie what do I know?
I question everything I do. No matter how many years of college you take, or the experiences you have working with kids, you will feel like you're not teaching "right". The first time I felt confident with something I was teaching, was when I saw another first grade teacher printing out the same thing I found online… I guess I might be doing okay….
In the back of my mind I know my first year of teaching is not going to be glorious. But I never imagined I would feel the way I do now. I find myself crying on the way home from school (it's a 45minute to an hour drive just to think), coming home sitting on the couch completely exhausted…and sore… (I still don't understand how I am sore). I would be lying if I told you that I didn't question being a teacher everyday. How nice would it be to have a job where you can walk away from each day, knowing you left everything there…and don't have to worry about anything when you get home…but that is not teaching. The first year jitters really tugs on your heart and your mind. Teaching is not a job that stops at 4pm, Monday through Friday. You find yourself constantly thinking of your students and what you could do better. Is takes a toll on you physically, because it hits you hard…or at least it hit me hard in the face. It's not like I didn't know this in the beginning, but when you actually feel it, it is much different.
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Throughout the chaos, I know teaching is right for me. (No matter how often I doubt myself).
I never realized how teaching is a mission within itself. I do not have to go to another country to serve the Lord. I am serving him within my own classroom. Of course I can't preach, or share my religion with my kiddos, but the love these kids need is EXTREME. I teach at a school, where my kiddos come from all walks of life. There are students who are in group homes, foster homes, bounced around from one guardian to the next, parents that make poor choices, etc…. Some of these kids are rougher than others. Within 7 hours, I try to love them the best I can, and try to teach them how to be a respectful human being. Simple things such as not farting or burping, not talking with their mouth full, encouraging others, and helping those who need help. I know that I might be the only consistent person in their life, and the only person in their life that might be a good role model. I know that ever student I encounter might not like me… which is hard for me to except…but I still care for them.
I know I won't see many successes as I begin, but I know in my heart I am giving it my all. Sometimes in life we have to make huge leaps of faith. It is difficult to be uncomfortable, doing something completely different than you are used to…but those make the best chapters in our book of life. This is a process, and it can only get better.
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I could use all the prayers as I go on with this journey. Please pray for my students too. xoxo
