Gobble Up the Thanks

Happy Turkey Day!!!

This month I have been focusing on thankfulness. Sometimes in this crazy world we forget to take the time and find one thing we are grateful for each day .God provides us with so many blessings, big and small. Look around my friends, you have sooooooo much to be thankful for! 

This past weekend I was able to celebrate baby Aubrey's first Thanksgiving feast. She is so precious, and I am so grateful for her cuteness. 

I hope you all have a blessed Thanksgiving! Wear those stretchy pants :) 
{Gobble Until You Wobble}

Standing Alone

Before I share a little part of my story, I just wanted to mention that sharing this part of my life has been very difficult for me. I knew I wanted to share this part of my story to show my heart to others when I began a blog...but it has taken me a while to build the courage to write about it. Whether it is writing about something I wouldn't normally say to others, or just to be overly vulnerable with the public, (which is beyond scary for any girl) I felt like this was a great challenge for me to accept. I decided it is time to open up my life, and most importantly share my heart to others. I do not expect to have a pity party for what I am about share with you...I only want you to know where I am coming from...and where I stand in this little crazy thing called life. 

I am twenty-two years old, and I have remained standing alone for all those years. No, I'm not trying to break the world record for the longest person to remain single...even though I just might... This definitely isn't one of the proudest moments I want displayed on my refrigerator at home, or to announce to my friends on my Facebook wall. In fact, I am beyond embarrassed about it. Never in million years did I think that I would continue to remain single for such long time. Honestly I thought I'd be in a long term relationship about to settle down by the age of twenty-two. Isn't that the stereotype for anyone in their twenties? You go to college, you find your soul mate, and BOOM you're married and have your life is figured out by the age of twenty-two. Of course I haven't been following that path to well. 

Of course some of my friends know this embarrassing fact about myself. Quite frankly I hate mentioning it to others because everyone throws in the phrase, "Your time will come", "It's a good thing to be single"...Man, if I had a penny for every time someone told me that I'd be rich. It's not that I don't believe them; it's the fact that I have a hard time accepting it because of the truth of me still standing alone. 

As much as people say it is better to stay single, everyone is fighting to be in a relationship. Lets face it; everyone wants someone to love them... I'm not any different. This topic has been on my heart for quite a while now. Sometimes the topic of singleness leaves me in tears...and those who know me know that I'm not the type to cry easily. I think it bugs me so much, because it's something I have no control over. Or maybe it's the fact that I honestly don't comprehend why I am standing alone.  Who really knows the true reason, overall it leaves me feeling frustrated and doubting who I am. 

How are you okay with standing alone?

Being single is something I'm not "okay" with. I do not wake up in the morning saying, "Wow I love being the third wheel", or "Man, I love having no one to go on cute dates with". It has probably been the biggest challenge that I cannot seem to overcome. 

I pray to God about it all the time. (The poor guy is probably sick of hearing my cries about this topic).  To be completely honest, sometimes I even find myself frustrated with God. It does not make sense to me of why God would feel I needed to wait this long to experience love. Or why God would put me in the situation to feel so low about myself because I haven't felt wanted by a man. I have been patiently waiting my entire life for the one thing people long for…love.  

How does it make you feel?

I know a relationship doesn't define who you are, nor should it. But being single for this long has made my mind and my heart think there is something wrong with me. Something so wrong that a guy will not express interest in me, or find me attractive. It's very hard to feel okay, and accept where I stand in this big world. It makes me feel that I'm not where I am supposed to be in life. To be twenty-two and have your friends around you get engaged, married, and beginning families of their own, is beyond difficult to accept that it is not where my life is at. Don't get me wrong, of course I am happy for my friends in relationships, one day I hope to experience the love they share for their significant other, but this long wait has does some damage to my heart and my mind.

Being alone makes me anxious for the future... It worries me that I may be single my entire life... I came to the conclusion that sure I can still be content with being single...life goes on with or without a man by my side. However, I would honestly hate not being able to love someone and share my life with. 

However, to others I portray that I have my life figured out, and I do not express a sense of loneliness. For the most part I am really talented at seeming tough as a rock, not expressing any "negative" emotions. I refuse to express my hurt, sadness, and doubt to others when it involves love. Occasionally I will be sarcastic with my friends about relationships and how I think they are silly, but deep down I truly desire for someone to love me, or even find me captivating.

I did not choose the single life...the single life chose me...(This girl has jokes)

Sometimes I even feel like I am completely approaching men in the wrong way…or not at all. As I mentioned in my Hidden Heart post, I am terrified of men when it involves relationships. I know I don’t put myself out there because I am scared of the failure and rejection that can happen. But I also give up because I do not feel worthy enough for a man to love me. I feel there will always be a girl out there that is better than me, which the man will end up loving more. I look at other women and compare myself to them...Never being skinny enough, funny enough, or attractive enough...It’s beyond hard for me to be confident that a guy might potentially like me when I know I'm not the best thing out there.

“Am I lovely? And to be rejected is to hear a resounding, No. A woman doesn’t want to offer her beauty unless she is guaranteed that it will be received. But life offers no such guarantees. We, too, must take risks.” –John & Stasi Eldredge

Overall I feel lost, unworthy, and forgotten about... I know this sounds quite dramatic but I am dealing with a confused heart.

Where do I stand?

I remain standing alone. It's hard to accept the only person I see standing next to me is my own shadow. There are tough days where I am completely miserable playing this solo life. Days where I feel a sense of bitterness to others who have their love life figured out. But then I have to remember my faith in God. 

Like most single women, I spend so much time and energy worrying about finding the one. It's beyond silly to think of how much time I spend daily on this thought. Especially because I go to a Christian College, where every girl out there is working on getting their “Mrs.” Title. Honestly, I am more focused on getting my education degree, but having this be the main focus for most girls on my campus is hard to avoid the thought about it. 

We as people, try so hard finding fulfillment of this love in other people, which most the time, it never works out. Why do we waste the treasure of love on someone who is not willing to love you. We should focus on developing a relationship with God. We should give God our love, for He will always love us, even on the darkest of days. 

Don't get me wrong; I still want to be in love with someone. Even though I know God loves me, I still struggle with a sense of loneliness. I want someone in my life that I can share my passion for Jesus with, a joke or two, and a friendship where we build one another up...but that is not happening right now in my life. Therefore, I must work on my relationship with God. 

I know that I would rather wait for the perfect man then just settle. Realistically I’ve waited twenty-two years, what’s another ten years? (But really God, please don’t make me wait that long). I know God has crazy, unimaginable plans for the rest of my life. It’s hard though… I want my life to look like most, falling in love with my best friend, living life together, and worshiping the man above. Even through this really difficult time of trying to remain patient, I have to remind myself that God isn’t finished with my story, and eventually my love chapter will arrive… and if it doesn’t, I’m sure God has bigger and better ways to use me in this world.

I know I am never truly standing alone… I know that I will forever have God next to me. As for now, I stand here looking for guidance from God.

He will quiet you with his love – Zeph. 3:17

“A woman of true beauty is a woman who in the depths of her soul is at rest, trusting God because she has come to know him to be worth of her trust.”

For all those single ladies out there... 

Know that you are valuable, and loved by a powerful man. I know the wait is sometimes is unbearable, but God isn't done with your story. Use this time to work on yourself, and building a strong relationship with God. This time is given to you for a reason, so use it wisely. 

xoxo 

Natalie

Miss Short's Teaching Extravaganza

I am currently in the process of becoming a teacher, with just less than a year of school left. I am majoring in elementary and special education. I am so grateful for wonderful mentors that I have worked along the side with in my practicum placements. They have influenced my teaching methods, and prepared me for my future classroom. This part of my blog will be about my adventures as student-teacher, and eventually as a "real" teacher. Which will include experiences I've learned through, lesson ideas, and some crazy things students have said.

Why Teaching?
Nope, it's not the summers off that influenced me to become a teacher. Honestly  I have many silly reasons why I want to teach. Here are just ten silly reasons why I want to teach:

1.) I get to use stationary items everyday!! I'm all about that paper, pen, and sticky note life.
2.) I get to read children's books. ( I love pictures)
3.) I get to hang out with kids all day! (Adults stink)
4.) I have a playground at work....Never know when I might want to swings away my worries.
5.) I can do arts and craft projects everyday.(There's no reason to explain why this is great, it just is!)
6.) There's always something new to do!
7.) I love calendars/scheduling...lessons plans are just another form of calendars :)
8.) It gives me a reason to keep up to date with the Disney channel.
9.) I am able to decorate bulletin boards. (It brings out  interior designer in me)
10.) Miss Short has a good ring to it...

Now those are just the silly reasons...time to get serious. Ever since I was a little girl I have been interested in teaching. I used to come home from school and run to my playhouse to teach my stuff animals what I learned that day. It wasn't until I was in ninth grade that I really thought about a career for myself. My ninth grade year I took a class called teens-n-teaching. The class was designed to give you a sense for teaching in a casual way. We were responsible to make a lesson plan each week and go over to the elementary school next door to teach a life lesson, such as sharing to the third graders. When I noticed how much I loved the feeling of making a difference in the students' lives I realized this is exactly what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Not to mention I had an awesome teacher who encouraged me that it was the right field for me.

Years later I have changed around my focus to different grade levels and options. I was set getting a degree in early childhood, but then years later my heart decided I needed to do elementary and special education. I am beyond thrilled with my major decision. However, it hasn't always been easy. Transferring from a community college to a university, and adding to my major has increased the amount of years of schooling. I am so anxious to get started and have my own classroom. Teaching is soooooo rewarding!! I look forward to enriching student's education and be to be a positive influence in their lives.

Miss Short Dances

My teaching experience has began as a dance teacher. Even though both titles have "Miss" in front of my name, teaching dance is much different than teaching education. Being a dance teacher is beyond fun! I am able to share my passion for the art with my students. Yes, there are no state standards to follow when I teach dance, however there is a technique   and a history behind dancing. I am a strong believer in the arts, and how they can be an outlet for students. It is a great way for students, and even adults to express themselves. Being a dance instructor is by far one of the best jobs I have ever had. 

_________________________________________________________________________________

October 4, 2013

I am currently working in two different schools in the Alhambra school district for my practicum. I am focusing on social studies and language arts methods in a fourth and fifth grade classroom. This is much different than I'm used because the area I'm around is definitely tough neighborhood than I'm used to. This is also the first time in a while where I wasn't observing students with disabilities. However, students with special needs are in every classroom whether or not it's noticeable with the naked eye.

God Puts You Where You Need to Be

Recently I have been having doubts about becoming a special education teacher. (I am being vulnerable with you...) I know I understand what students need when they have special accommodations, but at times I feel like I may fail them, or not be successful. It's hard to remain confident in my degree choice when people I am surrounded by make comments, such as "You must be very patient to work with those type of kids." Or knowing educators that have worked with students with special needs tell horror stories about their experiences. 

Luckily, I have never been the type to be influenced by others opinions. I have always been headstrong and devoted to getting to my goals, along with proving people wrong. Of course in the back of my mind I prepare myself for failure... I'm a realistic thinker. 

God always knows what I need in my life to keep me going, and this past week I experienced his reassurance that I am taking the correct path. 

In my fourth grade classroom that I am observing, I have a student who is autistic and receives an assistant for most of the school day. This past week the assistant had to leave early, and when she left the student began to break out in a tantrum. He was screaming, crying, and throwing things...everyone was avoiding him, and my mentor was trying to get him and the rest of the class to their art special. My mentor dropped him off at art, while he was still throwing a tantrum. 

As I watched how the other students were reacting to his actions, I noticed they were scared. I found an empty seat and sat next to him. Yes, I was quite scared that he might lash out and hit me, or that I might make the tantrum worse. As I began to sit down, he looked up and stared at me with confusion. I then started to ask him what was wrong, and all he sudden his tears began to stop and he talked through his feelings and I was able to get him to start on his art project. A few minutes later he was ready to learn and was in a better mood. This just goes to show you should never give up on anyone, especially students. Yes, it took a lot of patience and more time, but the end result was so worth it. All the student needed was someone to listen to him. 

God showed me to that I am capable of working with students with special needs. I know that not every situation is going to work out smoothly, and I am not going to know all the answers. But knowing in my heart I am trying my best to make a difference is all that matters. God is good! 

Roxy and Natalie Adventures

Roxy the Princess Fairy Pug

Roxy rocked her Halloween costume!! This year she went as a Princess-Fairy pug. Man, I have the best pup ever! 

Roxy Travels Well

Weighing less than 20 pounds, Roxy would make the best carry on. Roxy is by far the biggest thing I miss as I am away to college. My whole life I grew up with a four-legged companion, and not to have one to cuddle up with in my dorm is quite lonely! I would gladly accept t-shirts with dog fur on them any day if that meant I could have Roxy by my side. I tried sneaking Roxy back to GCU by putting her in my duffle bag.... unfortunately we didn't get far. 

Puggy Picnic 

I was able to spend the weekend at home with this lovely pup. The first day of Fall was spent testing out picnic tables my dad made. Roxy loves sunshine on her belly and grass between her paws. I love spending days like this. So bliss. 

My Hidden Heart

One of my dear friends gave me the book called Captivating, by John and Stasi Elder to read for some inspiration and strength, unveiling the mystery of a woman’s soul. It couldn’t have been a more perfect gift, and at the most perfect time.  The week before I was struggling with where I stood in my life and where I was headed. I would be lying if I said relationships weren’t my biggest insecurity. As much as I want a relationship, and a man to love me…I am terrified. I am terrified to have to put myself out there to someone who can crush my heart at any given point. I am terrified to have my flaws discovered. I am terrified at the possibility of breaking someone else’s heart.  I juggle with being a big chicken, but also fearing being alone and unloved my entire life.

As I read Captivating, a chapter really stuck out to me. One of those moments where you truly feel the author of the book is stalking your life because it is right on cue with how your heart is feeling. Chapter three, titled “ Haunted by a Question”, speaks truth into my soul. It explains how there are many different types of women. There is the dominating woman, who is controlling in all circumstances, and needs no one. The type of woman who refuses to be vulnerable, but most importantly who has a hard time trusting God. The second type of woman is the desolate woman. The type of woman, who desperately yearns to be loved, but ends up heartbroken. Desolate women tend to hide their true value, and would rather not be seen.

As I was reading this chapter, I realized I fell under the hidden woman spectrum. I’ll be completely vulnerable to you, men terrify me. It’s not their strength, skills, or wisdom that frightens me… What freaks me out the most is my self worth to men. I honestly do not feel seen by them, nor do I want to be. I purposely hide. I hide by not speaking up because I fear I will say the wrong thing. I hide behind clothing and make-up that I want to magically make me attractive and give me superhero powers. I hide my hurt and low self-esteem with humor. I let people laugh at my flaws. But most importantly, I hide my heart.  John and Stasi could have not said it better, “ We hide because we are afraid. We have been wounded and wounded deeply…. To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less.” I have never had a good experience with men when it comes to relationships. I was always just that girl who stood next to the beautiful girls who were my friends. I considered myself a shadow of so many of my girlfriends. Men only became interested in me for the wrong reasons, and that was to get back at my friends for breaking up with them. When going out with friends, men would only approach us to talk to them… I was completely avoided. It’s really hard to grasp the reasoning why…the only thing I could come up with, would be my flaws. And then the comparison begins. “ I am not pretty enough, I am not skinny enough, I didn’t wear the right outfit, and I am not enough…” As foolish as it is for me to say those things, it is truly how my heart feels at those moments. 

I hide my heart because I am terrified for it to shatter into a million pieces. Sometimes I feel if I hide, I will be safe from pain and rejection. But unfortunately my plan of hiding from others is not working. I am constantly hurting from loneness, the feeling of not being accepted, and the devastation of feeling no matter what I do I will not be seek after by a man. 

Lets face it though…I’ve been hiding for quite some time. With men all around, I am constantly trying to camouflage myself instead of sticking out. I am constantly comparing myself to other beautiful women, in which I feel I could never amount to or compete against. But overall, God did not intend for me, or us to feel that way. We all have something so valuable to give to the world.

I may not be wanted from a man…but that does not define me. I know I have other skills, talents, and value to give to the world. Sometimes I refuse to show those attributes because of routine of hiding my self worth. I am in this constant battle of longing to be loved by a man, but the insecurity I am not enough so I hide my heart.  I pray for strength from God. I pray that he can build me up to the woman I need to be, and to prepare for a man. I hoping it is in God’s timing that perhaps one day he will bring a man into my life that wants me. I hope one to day to unveil my heart to the world, and not be frightened of what could go wrong. And if something may go wrong, I have the strength to surpass it.  I want the phrase “hidden heart”, to be hidden and only use the phrase “open heart” , which unveils my offerings to the world.