My Hidden Heart

One of my dear friends gave me the book called Captivating, by John and Stasi Elder to read for some inspiration and strength, unveiling the mystery of a woman’s soul. It couldn’t have been a more perfect gift, and at the most perfect time.  The week before I was struggling with where I stood in my life and where I was headed. I would be lying if I said relationships weren’t my biggest insecurity. As much as I want a relationship, and a man to love me…I am terrified. I am terrified to have to put myself out there to someone who can crush my heart at any given point. I am terrified to have my flaws discovered. I am terrified at the possibility of breaking someone else’s heart.  I juggle with being a big chicken, but also fearing being alone and unloved my entire life.

As I read Captivating, a chapter really stuck out to me. One of those moments where you truly feel the author of the book is stalking your life because it is right on cue with how your heart is feeling. Chapter three, titled “ Haunted by a Question”, speaks truth into my soul. It explains how there are many different types of women. There is the dominating woman, who is controlling in all circumstances, and needs no one. The type of woman who refuses to be vulnerable, but most importantly who has a hard time trusting God. The second type of woman is the desolate woman. The type of woman, who desperately yearns to be loved, but ends up heartbroken. Desolate women tend to hide their true value, and would rather not be seen.

As I was reading this chapter, I realized I fell under the hidden woman spectrum. I’ll be completely vulnerable to you, men terrify me. It’s not their strength, skills, or wisdom that frightens me… What freaks me out the most is my self worth to men. I honestly do not feel seen by them, nor do I want to be. I purposely hide. I hide by not speaking up because I fear I will say the wrong thing. I hide behind clothing and make-up that I want to magically make me attractive and give me superhero powers. I hide my hurt and low self-esteem with humor. I let people laugh at my flaws. But most importantly, I hide my heart.  John and Stasi could have not said it better, “ We hide because we are afraid. We have been wounded and wounded deeply…. To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less.” I have never had a good experience with men when it comes to relationships. I was always just that girl who stood next to the beautiful girls who were my friends. I considered myself a shadow of so many of my girlfriends. Men only became interested in me for the wrong reasons, and that was to get back at my friends for breaking up with them. When going out with friends, men would only approach us to talk to them… I was completely avoided. It’s really hard to grasp the reasoning why…the only thing I could come up with, would be my flaws. And then the comparison begins. “ I am not pretty enough, I am not skinny enough, I didn’t wear the right outfit, and I am not enough…” As foolish as it is for me to say those things, it is truly how my heart feels at those moments. 

I hide my heart because I am terrified for it to shatter into a million pieces. Sometimes I feel if I hide, I will be safe from pain and rejection. But unfortunately my plan of hiding from others is not working. I am constantly hurting from loneness, the feeling of not being accepted, and the devastation of feeling no matter what I do I will not be seek after by a man. 

Lets face it though…I’ve been hiding for quite some time. With men all around, I am constantly trying to camouflage myself instead of sticking out. I am constantly comparing myself to other beautiful women, in which I feel I could never amount to or compete against. But overall, God did not intend for me, or us to feel that way. We all have something so valuable to give to the world.

I may not be wanted from a man…but that does not define me. I know I have other skills, talents, and value to give to the world. Sometimes I refuse to show those attributes because of routine of hiding my self worth. I am in this constant battle of longing to be loved by a man, but the insecurity I am not enough so I hide my heart.  I pray for strength from God. I pray that he can build me up to the woman I need to be, and to prepare for a man. I hoping it is in God’s timing that perhaps one day he will bring a man into my life that wants me. I hope one to day to unveil my heart to the world, and not be frightened of what could go wrong. And if something may go wrong, I have the strength to surpass it.  I want the phrase “hidden heart”, to be hidden and only use the phrase “open heart” , which unveils my offerings to the world.